So, I’m not
exactly fast at playing games. I know
that, I’m happy to admit it, and quite frankly I believe it just means I enjoy
the games for longer. But it comes with a bit of a sad realization that I would
be a terrible game reviewer, because no one ever feels like reading a half-assed
summary of a game you only got five percent of the way through in a month.
That said, what
if only the first few minutes are all you need to form an accurate opinion?
Like a lot of people, I tend to make snap judgements based on any tiny facet of
a game, and usually those judgements are highly negative. If I hate something,
I hate it quickly. And I don’t mean to brag, but I could tell
from its thirty-second trailer that Dark
Shadows was going to be a stupid movie, so I’m pretty sure my quickly-formed
opinions are completely correct.
In lieu of me
actually finishing any games recently, I thought I’d make a snappy list of all
the games I’ve attempted in recent months and not finished for one perfectly
valid reason or another. Now, ‘hate’ is a sensitive word, so I’d like to
preface this by saying that when I use the word ‘hate’, I only sometimes mean
it. Sometimes I really, really mean it and hate a game so hard that I hope my
Xbox red rings and my PC blue screens, but other times I only hate it the way
we all hate that stupid sound Mario makes when he runs into a wall.
Also, I am very
aware that many of my problems could be solved by using a walkthrough, or
having any kind of persistence. But that is not
the point.
Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons
When I first suspected I hated it: “Wait, so, to unlock the door, I have to push a boulder. But there
are a million boulders in this dungeon, and none of the other ones move. How –
how the fuck was I supposed to know? I understand that older games have slightly
impossible solutions, but this is basically the first area! Why are you such a sadist, game?”
When I actually gave up: “Woohoo,
I got the Rod of Seasons! And… it doesn’t work. Fuck, that dialogue I just
skimmed over probably explained this.”
Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
When I first suspected I hated it: “Look, game, I get it. You’re excited about being on the DS and
having a touchscreen. But would it really have been so fucking hard to give me
the D-pad for movement? Using a stylus to run feels kind of like my fingers
have a walking stick.”
When I actually gave up: “Please,
game! I’ve told you before, I get really stressed out when I’m on a timer! Why must you keep making this same temple
get harder and harder and insist on giving me a deadline?”
Kirby [something something]
When I first suspected I hated it: “Now I know from Smash Bros.
that Kirby can steal enemies’ powers. But this being a very old game and me not
having a manual, I don’t know how to do that.”
When I actually gave up: “This
is awfully repetitive. Maybe I’d like Sonic better.”
Alone in the Dark
When I first suspected I hated it: “Hmm. I can’t help but notice that the first five minutes of this
are a tutorial on how to blink. Am I going to need to control my character’s
eyelids for the entire game, or did the developers just think this was a cool,
flashy detail? You know what, don’t answer that; I can’t decide which is
worse.”
When I actually gave up: “Oh.
You froze. Good work, Xbox. Like hell I’m going through all of that blinking
shit again.”
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
When I first suspected I hated it: “Yeah, customization! Woohoo, choices about whether to kill or be
sneaky! Woohoo, different weap- what? Wait, you’re telling me that my
stun/sleep/whatever darts only work for a limited time before the enemy wakes
up again, and I don’t even have unlimited ammo for that? Um… game… I think
you’re overestimating me, here.”
When I actually gave up: “Well,
the enemies all woke up and I’m out of ammo. I’m pretty sure they’ve seen me
and while I think I could take out one of them, the rest would all see the body
instantly and I’d be shot. I guess Mission One is a miserable failure.”
Dragon’s Dogma
When I first suspected I hated it: “Huh. This is like Dragon Age if
none of the characters had souls.”
When I actually gave up: “NPC
party members, you not only lack souls, but you lack any ability to help me in
battle. Oh, look, you’re both dead and I’ve been eaten by the giant hydra!
Thanks, guys. Appreciate it.”
Eco Draconis Divinity 3 whatever it’s called???
When I first suspected I hated it: “You’re cool, game, but unless your map actually has any writing,
symbols, or identifying features of any kind whatsoever, you’re not allowed to
call it a map.”
When I actually gave up: “Ooo,
a skeleton! I haven’t fought anything crazy like that befo– aaand I’m dead.”
Red Dead Redemption
When I first suspected I hated it: “I love this game. This is the best game ever. I could keep playing
it until the day I die. Oh, a mission! I love missions! Hello, Sir, I hear you
have a mission for me? Ride on my horse alongside a moving train as it travels
through the land of people who hate you? That – that’s not an escort mission,
is it? B- because if it is, you have to tell me. I hate escort missions. Can’t do
them. Too stressful. Okay, you’re not saying anything. I … can take that as a
no, right?”
When I actually gave up (first time): “YOU KIND OF SORT OF LIED TO ME, GAME!”
When I actually gave up (second time): “Phew, I’ve restarted this whole thing and I feel great! Maybe by
the time I get up to that escort mission I won’t hate them so much! Oh, hello,
Mister Coyote, how are you today? I’m feeling very – wait … wait, you’re not a
coyote. You’re a fucking mountain lion. YOU’RE A - *gargles as throat is ripped out* Okay. Let’s try that again. So
I’m looking for a treasure in the middle of nowhere and OH MY GOD NO GET AWAY
FROM ME, MOUNTAIN LIO- *gargles* All
right! Again! Maybe I won’t go looking for that treasure right now. Maybe I’ll
just get off my horse and sit at this campfire to save my progr- ARE YOU FUCKING
KIDDING ME WHY DO I NOT REMEMBER GETTING KILLED BY SO MANY MOUNTAIN LIONS IN MY
LAST PLAYTHROUGH?”
Arkham Origins
When I first suspected I hated it: “Huh. This feels somehow different from Arkham City. Is it the glitchiness? Nah. That’s annoying, but it’s
not the main problem. Is it that Black Mask isn’t interesting enough to be the
major villain? Hmm, getting warmer. Is it the fact that when I heard this game
was going to be a prequel, I expected an amateur Batman learning how to batman
properly, and instead I got a clone of the second game only with less plot?
Yeah, I think I’m close.”
When I actually gave up: You
know what, I can’t even remember. Was it Shiva? Deadshot? Another game-breaking
glitch that left me stuck inside the GCPD with no doors working? The fact that
they somehow managed to make briefly playing as Joker annoying? I honestly
don’t know. I keep picking up this game, playing it for fifteen minutes and
then putting it down again, always with more of a headache than before I
started. I couldn’t even tell you how close I am to the end, because the plot
is so dull that I have no investment in it whatsoever. Batman has no reason to
be out chasing these guys except for the fact that they exist, and while that
might be fine for some games, it’s not okay for the third installment of a
series that usually gives you more than that. Hopefully Arkham Knight fixes everything.
Oblivion
When I first suspected I hated it: “Oh Jesus, I’m being attacked by something. I can hear myself being attacked by something
but this dungeon is too freaking dark to see it! What if I just swing my – no,
swing down – why the hell can’t I
aim? This combat is so – hey, I got it! Oh. Oh, it’s just a rat. I mean, don’t
get me wrong, it’s a big rat, but that doesn’t mean I had to go and cut its
head off like that. It probably lived here with its rat wife and rat babies and
was boldly defending its nest. (Do rats live in nests? My parents always used
to describe my hair as a rat’s nest, but maybe that was only because there’s
already a hairstyle called bird’s nest?) I am a horrible person. Well,
fish-person.”
When I actually gave up: “Hello
again, game. That’s right, I’m back for a fifth attempt. You’ve bored me and
irritated me in the past – mostly bored me – but this time I’m going to make
sure it’s different. I’m going to play you for ten hours straight so that I’m
so invested in the universe and story that I can’t possibly abandon it.”
*Interlude*
“Well, that was
an interesting ten months. Hey, you know what game I never actually hated that
much? Oblivion. I wonder where I got
up to in that. Ah well, it’s far too late to continue an old save file now.”
Skyrim
When I first suspected I hated it: “Okay, we’ve got this new Elder Scrolls game and everyone’s been
hyping it up like mad. I may not have been able to get into Oblivion, but this time it’ll be
different. I’ll be converted. I’ll be optimistic. I’ll – wait, what do you mean
I can’t skip the intro? B-but I just watched Bill play through it. I don’t want to watch the whole thing again.
This is like the blinking thing in Alone
in the Dark, only instead of blinking all I can do is tilt my head in
stupid directions. You haven’t even made the characters any less ugly than they
were in the last game, and you’re forcing me to look at them!”
When I actually gave up: “You
want me to turn right after escaping from the executioners and dragon? Well,
since this is a massive sandbox, surely you won’t mind if I turn left instead!
Why, hello, armed guards! You’re going to extort me and kill me for having no
gold? And you have a magic-user in your group! Nice! Maybe once I reload I’ll
just take a nice, little arc around you – oh, hello there, heavily-armoured
bandits! Oh, I see, I accidentally wandered into your fort and you’re going to
shoot me. Fair enough, I’ll reload again. Hey, cool, an abandoned ruin! I
should totally go inside and – woah, what the hell is that? Some kind of
glowing ghost thing? Some kind of glowing ghost thing that’s sapping my health
and taking no damage? You know what, game, I’m starting to think you didn’t
want me to go left at all. And you call yourself open world.”
Final Fantasy X
When I first suspected I hated it: “Um … I think it wants me to go and play Blitzball, whatever that
is, but I don’t see anywhere to go. This is the most confusing first five
minutes of a game I’ve ever played.”
When I actually gave up: “Well,
it’s taken me eight years, but I’ve finally gotten past the first island and
figured out how magic works! Not only that, but I’ve proceeded to grind until I
can annihilate any boss that stands in my way. Now all I want before I finish
are these Celestial Weapon things, only not Lulu’s or Tidus’s because those
challenges are ridiculous. I’ll try Yuna’s, hers is easy. Almost there … wait,
what? I … missed a Destruction Sphere? I missed the first Destruction Sphere? And now the only way to get it is to beat
the first Dark Aeon, which is about twenty times more powerful than the
non-optional bosses?! O-okay, no worries, I’m not going to have a tearful
breakdown and play Blitzball for the next fifteen hours… ”
Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines
When I first suspected I hated it: “This game is so fucking awesome. I love everything about it. Oh, a haunted
house? I’ve heard about this. I suppose it does look sort of creepy. Oh my, the
stairs collapsed and now I’m trapped in the basement boiler room. Excuse me for
a moment, I’m suddenly about to wet my pants in fear.”
When I actually gave up: “Hey,
I’m making pretty good progress and I’ve only cheated once and gotten Bill to
help me about three times. Oh, a cemetery? And zombies, you say? Excuse me for
a moment.”
Pokemon White
When I first suspected I hated it: “Cool, so this Lillipup gives me 28 EXP. That’s pretty good! So good
I gained a level! I think I’ll fight anoth- wait, what? This other Lillipup on
the same level only gave me 16 EXP. What just happened? Are – are you scaling my experience?”
When I actually gave up: “Okay,
I don’t hate this game that much. Sure, I’ve given up twice, but I have a
feeling this time will be the – oh my god, Dragon
Age 3 comes out in two weeks?! Holy shit, I have to drop everything and
replay the first two RIGHT AWAY!”
And, yeah,
that’s about where I left it. Now Dragon
Age 3 has just come out and all the rules of this 271 Games challenge are
completely forgotten. Nothing, not even self-imposed purchase limitations, will
stop me from playing the shit out of it non-stop for the next three months. Not
even –
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| GODDAMNIT, MOUNTAIN LION
http://community.eu.playstation.com/t5/Red-Dead-Redemption/Red-Dead-Redemption-porting-question/td-p/10749648/page/4
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